How Growing Up in a Dysfunctional Family Impacts Emotional Expression
- Tanvi Sharma
- Feb 28
- 5 min read
Emotions are an integral part of our existence. They influence our thoughts, behaviors, and relationships, shaping how we engage with the world. However, the ability to express emotions in a healthy and adaptive way is not something we are born with, rather, it is learned. Our family environment plays a significant role in teaching us what is acceptable to feel, how to express it, and whether emotions are safe at all.
In a functional family, emotions are acknowledged, validated, and managed constructively. But in a dysfunctional family, emotions may be ignored, invalidated, or manipulated, leading to long-term emotional struggles (Johnson, 2019). Children in these environments may not have the emotional safety needed to develop a healthy relationship with their feelings. Instead, they adapt to the unspoken emotional rules of the household, rules that often distort emotional expression and hinder emotional growth.
In this blog, we explore how growing up in a dysfunctional family impacts the way we express anger, fear, sadness, joy, and love, shaping not just our relationships but also our sense of self.
Understanding Dysfunctional Family Systems
A dysfunctional family is one where unhealthy patterns, such as constant conflict, emotional neglect, unrealistic expectations, or lack of support, become the norm. These families often follow unspoken rules that dictate emotional expression, including:
“Don’t talk”: Expressing emotions is discouraged, leading to suppression.
“Don’t feel”: Certain emotions (like sadness or anger) are seen as weaknesses.
“Don’t trust”: Vulnerability is unsafe, leading to emotional guardedness.
These rules shape a child's emotional development and, if unaddressed, can persist into adulthood, influencing how they handle emotions in relationships, work, and self-perception (Wright et al., 2021).
How Dysfunctional Families Shape Emotional Expression
1. Anger: From Suppression to Explosive Outbursts
How it develops: In dysfunctional families, anger is either aggressively displayed (through yelling, violence, or manipulation) or strictly suppressed (through avoidance or passive aggression). Children may be punished for expressing anger or witness destructive displays of it (García-López et al., 2018).
Impact:
Some individuals learn to suppress anger, leading to internalized frustration, resentment, and even chronic stress-related illnesses.
Others develop explosive anger, struggling to regulate emotions and reacting impulsively in conflicts.
Many struggle with assertiveness, fearing rejection if they stand up for themselves.
Healing approach: Learning healthy anger expression through techniques like assertive communication, emotional regulation strategies, and self-reflection can help individuals manage anger constructively.
2. Fear: Chronic Anxiety or Emotional Numbing
How it develops: Many dysfunctional families operate in a constant state of unpredictability where parents may be emotionally volatile, neglectful, or overly controlling. Children in such environments develop hypervigilance as a survival strategy (Porges, 2020).
Impact:
Some individuals develop chronic anxiety, constantly scanning for potential threats and struggling with feelings of insecurity.
Others resort to emotional numbing, disconnecting from their fear and, in turn, from their emotions altogether.
Fear of abandonment or failure may lead to excessive people-pleasing or self-sabotaging behavior.
Healing approach: Learning to reconnect with a sense of safety through mindfulness, grounding techniques, and exposure to emotionally secure environments can help individuals gradually regulate their fear response.
3. Sadness: Emotional Repression or Overwhelming Guilt
How it develops: In families where vulnerability is seen as weakness, children often receive messages like “stop crying” or “be strong”. They may learn that expressing sadness leads to rejection or criticism (Gilbert & Irons, 2019).
Impact:
Some individuals suppress sadness, struggling to grieve losses or process painful emotions.
Others experience overwhelming guilt when feeling sad, believing they are burdensome.
Some develop emotional detachment, avoiding deep emotional connections.
Healing approach: Self-compassion, grief processing, and therapy can help individuals reconnect with sadness in a way that allows for healing and emotional release.
4. Joy: Fear of Happiness or Seeking External Validation
How it develops: In dysfunctional families, joy may have been conditional—only allowed when meeting high expectations or maintaining family peace. Some children experience happiness followed by punishment, leading to an association between joy and impending disappointment (Ryan & Deci, 2020).
Impact:
Some individuals develop a fear of happiness, subconsciously avoiding joyful experiences.
Others seek constant external validation, tying their self-worth to achievement or approval.
Some struggle with self-sabotage, believing they don’t deserve joy.
Healing approach: Practicing self-acceptance, mindfulness, and learning to find joy in small, intrinsic experiences can help break the cycle of conditional happiness.
5. Love: Attachment Wounds and Fear of Intimacy
How it develops: Dysfunctional families often create insecure attachment patterns. Love may have been inconsistent, manipulative, or conditional (Cassidy & Shaver, 2018).
Impact:
Some individuals develop avoidant attachment, fearing intimacy and emotional closeness.
Others exhibit anxious attachment, becoming overly dependent on relationships.
Many struggle with boundaries, either overextending themselves or avoiding emotional investment altogether.
Healing approach: Learning secure attachment behaviors, engaging in inner child work, and developing healthy relational boundaries can lead to more fulfilling relationships.
Breaking the Cycle: How to Reclaim a Healthy Emotional Life
Healing from dysfunctional emotional conditioning takes time, but it is possible. Steps to reclaiming authentic emotional expression include:
Acknowledge the Patterns – Identify how your family’s dynamics shaped your emotional responses. Self-awareness is the first step toward healing.
Challenge Internalized Beliefs – Question the narratives you grew up with, such as “anger is bad” or “I must earn love.” Replace them with healthier, self-affirming beliefs.
Develop Emotional Literacy – Learn to label and express emotions in a healthy way. Journaling, therapy, or mindfulness exercises can help.
Practice Healthy Coping Mechanisms – Replace old coping strategies with constructive ones. Instead of suppressing anger, express it assertively. Instead of numbing sadness, allow yourself to grieve.
Build Secure Relationships – Surround yourself with people who respect your emotions and encourage healthy expression. Therapy, support groups, and trusted friends can be invaluable.
Embrace Self-Compassion – Healing from emotional wounds takes time. Be patient and kind to yourself as you unlearn dysfunctional patterns and adopt healthier emotional habits.
Your past does not define you. The way you learned to express emotions in childhood was a survival strategy, but it doesn’t have to dictate your future. By recognizing these patterns, taking conscious steps toward healing, and practicing self-compassion, you can break the cycle and create a healthier, more fulfilling emotional life.
Ready to heal and grow? The Mind Practice offers evidence-based therapy to guide you on your journey. Take the first step—book a session today.
Visit www.themindpractice.in for more such insightful articles!
References:
Cassidy, J., & Shaver, P. R. (2018). Handbook of Attachment: Theory, Research, and Clinical Applications. Guilford Press.
García-López, L. J., Muela-Martínez, J. A., & Orgilés, M. (2018). Anger expression in children and adolescents: A review of the role of family factors. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 27(5), 1511-1523. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-018-1107-2
Gilbert, P., & Irons, C. (2019). Compassion-focused therapy: An evolutionary approach to emotional regulation. Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy, 26(2), 177-193.
Johnson, S. M. (2019). The Practice of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy: Creating Connection. Routledge.
Porges, S. W. (2020). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. Norton & Company.
Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2020). Self-Determination Theory: Basic Psychological Needs in Motivation, Development, and Wellness. Guilford Press.
Wright, M. O., Crawford, E., & Del Castillo, D. (2021). Childhood adversity and adult health: The role of resilience. Journal of Behavioral Medicine, 44(3), 337-352.
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